What is Negative Sentiment Override (And 3 Ways to Get Out of It)

In distressed relationships, couples tend to hold a negative perspective of each other. Consider Marcus on his way to work, thinking about how his partner, Tina, slept in instead of going to her workout. He's thinking about the dirty plate she left on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. "Why can't she get herself together," he mumbles. His negative thoughts get louder as he reflects on how wrong she was in their argument last night.

This scenario is common. It's called "sentiment override," a term theorized by Robert Weiss and expanded on by Dr. John Gottman. It suggests that relationship quality is influenced by the couple's perception of their partner, whether positively or negatively.

Negative Sentiment Override

Negative sentiment override stems from harboring resentments built up over time. It's the cumulative effect of feeling unloved, unwanted, unheard, and left alone in distress. It's compounded by times when trust was violated, emotional injuries weren't tended to, and conflict ensued without repair.

In negative sentiment override, you're less likely to give your partner the benefit of the doubt, try to understand their perspective, and cling to a distorted view of them. Your viewpoint is consistently negative and brings into focus all the ways your partner falls short.

Colored by a negative perspective, you convince yourself of how "good" you are and how "bad" they are. You focus on their flaws, weaknesses, and habits you disapprove of.

It's not uncommon for those feelings to lead to criticisms you vocalize and/or resentments you silently keep inside. Negative images of your partner override positive images you've had of them in the past.

The contagious nature of negative sentiment override is that it builds and cycles back and forth between partners. It's a vicious cycle that feeds off itself.

Getting Out of Negative Sentiment Override

Seeing your partner as fundamentally flawed overshadows what is fundamentally good about them.

How do you shift from negative sentiment override to positive sentiment override? It takes rebuilding goodwill and friendship, fondness for your partner, and emotional connection. Reestablishing long-held positive feelings about your partner is a requirement.

However, positive feelings alone will not get you unstuck. Healthy couples learn how to respond to negative feelings and thoughts about their partner to stay connected and reconnect when necessary.

It takes work. Locating positive feelings goes against our nature when we feel defeated, distressed, and misunderstood. Here are three ways to start getting out of negative sentiment override.

1. Seek to understand your partner's frustrations

You do this by listening with understanding and empathy. Acknowledge your partner's disappointment before dismissing it.

Yes, you may be the source of your partner's grievance. But seeking to understand their feelings doesn't mean you must abandon how you feel. It simply means you're acknowledging their experience from their point of view.

Doing this prevents you from seeing them as ridiculous or overreacting, and they don't feel emotionally unsafe opening up to you.

2. Express the positive feelings you have about your partner

When did you last tell your partner how much you love their smile, intelligence, wit, calm nature, resourcefulness, financial competence, and jokes? Do they know you enjoy traveling with them, eating ice cream, and watching movies together? Have you vocalized seeing their patience with the kids? Do they know you appreciate the respect they have for your parents?

Expressing positive thoughts can be challenging when digging yourself out of negative sentiment override. That being the case, it takes intentional effort.

3. Pay attention to how you handle conflict.

Be aware of how you handle conflict. Is the volume of your voice elevated? Are you listening to listen? Are you dismissing their complaints? Are you allowing them to be upset about what's upsetting them?

Are you being defensive? Are you silently withdrawing? Are you criticizing?

Conflict is inevitable. What's more important is quickly attending to any emotional wounds experienced during the conflict.

Internal Change

In positive sentiment override, you more effectively repair and problem-solve conflicts because of a renewed positive perspective. You notice your partner's redeeming qualities and are more likely to assume their intentions are good.

To be clear, this change is primarily within you. Your partner may still need to clean more or be more attentive to the budget. The difference is that you recognize your partner's flaws but can also consider their positive qualities.

Consider Marcus on his way to work after taking intentional steps to get unstuck from negative sentiment override and reflecting on his partner, Tina. He can tell himself, "Tina left her plate on the counter this morning again. That bothers me, but I appreciate how she smiles and kisses me every morning before leaving the house."