How to Stop Arguing So Much and Resolve Conflict

If it feels like you and your partner keep arguing, you're probably emotionally exhausted. After the yelling and harsh words, if you're like most couples, you're relieved it's over. You want to just move on, cool off, and hope it doesn't happen again.

And that makes sense. Arguments can feel personal, discouraging, lonely, and sometimes leave you questioning the relationship. You just want to get to the place where you stop arguing all the time.

Arguing isn't only about dinner, kids, a messy house, going over budget, or lack of quality time. Many times, it's about safety, unexpressed needs, and relationship security.

The Conversation that Needs to Happen

What matters most isn't that you argued, it's what happens after. It's how you respond now that the conversation is over, and you're feeling the weight of discouragement.

The goal is to repair faster, with less fallout.

It's a recovery conversation. A conversation you have after you've both cooled down. You're more emotionally regulated. Repair after an argument means you're open to hearing your partner's point of view, caring about how they feel, and sharing what's happening inside you.

I hear the pushback: "We'll just get into another argument." I get that concern! But this isn't the conversation you force at 11:30 pm when you're both still overwhelmed from the argument. It happens when your body and emotions feel calmer.

Recover From Arguments in Relationships

Coming back together after an argument takes practice. The more you do it in a structured, intentional way, the easier it becomes. Over time, you won't feel as hesitant to re-engage because you'll know how to do it.

Arguments are inevitable in relationships. You don't need to get rid of them completely. The goal is to learn how to reset after conflict.

Clinical Psychologist Daniel Wile says: "Individuals who view conflict as indicating that they have a 'bad' marriage will be demoralized by its presence and will be unable to deal with it effectively."

A lot of the intensity in your fights isn't random. It usually comes from what hasn't been said for a long time.

Anger often results from suppressing what needs to be said. Complaints are usually magnified when they come out, due to the intense emotions attached to them.

Suppressing your complaints happens because of three common reasons:

1. A track record of your partner being defensive or dismissive.

2. Your partner immediately offers solutions.

3. You don't trust yourself to stay calm once you start.

In the argument, you often have the chance to say things you've wanted to say for a while. It would help if you both could fully talk about what's at the core of your frustrations in a structured way.

You're probably thinking, "Okay, but what do we actually do after a blow-up?" This is where you start.

Complain Better

Articulating your position clearly helps you say what you mean in a way your partner can actually hear. What you say loses effectiveness when it gets lost in accusations and attacks. Expressing anger without being hurtful is the goal.

For example, what if you believe your partner has acted like a jerk? Criticizing them by calling them a jerk isn't helpful. But if I tell you, "Don't call them a jerk," you can't fully express your complaint, "They're being a jerk to me." So you end up not saying anything, only for it to come out later, by you guessed it... Calling them a jerk. The thing you were trying to avoid.

But what if you say something like: "It almost feels like you would treat a stranger on the street better than you treat me? I can take someone I don't know being a jerk, but I would expect you to treat me better than that."

This lets you express your complaint honestly without losing what you're really trying to say, which is, "I want to be treated with thoughtfulness and kindness."

A Second Chance

Coming back together is an opportunity to discuss the emotions underneath your frustration. For example, your complaint may be, "We never spend time together." 

But you're not really complaining about time together. You're fighting to feel important again. And not feeling important scares you. And once that fear shows up, the mind can spiral fast: "Am I still important?" "Do I matter?" "Are we still good together?" That's the real weight underneath the complaint.

That's what the recovery conversation helps you talk about, not just the surface complaint.

The second time around is where you can say it with more honesty and care, not just frustration.

You also get a second chance to listen with the intent of understanding. Questions like:

• Is this something you've been holding on to for a while, or did it come out sharper because you were hurt?

• Can you tell me more about why that bothers you?

• Why is that important to you?

• What do you need from me so you know I'm hearing you?

Often, arguments indicate that couples are not allowing each other to fully express their complaints. Arguments are inevitable. What's important is creating the necessary space to reconnect with your partner in a way that goes beyond "I'm sorry."

Building the relationship muscle of recovering from arguments opens the door to real conversations. When you trust that you can repair, you stop feeling like every disagreement is a threat to the relationship.

Here's a simple step-by-step way to have that recovery conversation. This framework is adapted from a Gottman-informed exercise.

A Simple "After the Fight" Repair Conversation

Keep in mind, this is a "come back to it" conversation, not a late-night argument extension.

Step 1: Pick a calm time and decide who goes first

The speaker's job is to fully share their experience. The listener's job is just to try and understand, not to correct.

Step 2: Name what you felt (only emotions, no explanations yet)

• I felt dismissed

• I felt like I didn't matter.

• I felt embarrassed.

• I felt alone.

Step 3: Share your "subjective reality" and what you needed

Focus on your experience without attributing motives to your partner:

• What I heard in that moment was I'm lazy, and that's why the house stays dirty.

• What I told myself in that moment was I could never do enough to satisfy what you want.

• What I needed was to feel like you could be patient with me.

Step 4: Name the trigger underneath the reaction

Sometimes our triggers come from past experiences and earlier hurts. Name it. "This is a tender spot for me. When it gets hit, I react bigger than I want to."

Step 5: Own your role and offer a clean apology

It's okay if your partner doesn't accept the apology right away. Owning your role helps avoid the "I'm sorry but..." Sometimes it takes time for an apology to land.

• I came in hot.

• I didn't listen.

• I'm sorry for how I spoke to you.

• I was already tired and on edge.

Step 6: Make one small plan for next time

The goal isn't to try to fix everything. Choose one small change you can both repeat. Each partner shares these two statements:

1. One thing I can do differently to avoid this is...

2. One thing you can do differently to avoid this is...

If you want a more in-depth version of this exercise (especially when a fight left a lasting bruise), I wrote a fuller guide here: 6-Step Repair Conversation - When an Argument Leaves Bruises