10 Necessary Communication Skills for a Stronger Marriage

In marriage counseling, the most common issue I hear is not that couples don't care. It's that they don't know how to communicate when emotions run high. For good reason, it's a cornerstone of successful relationships and marriages. Prioritizing open, honest, and empathetic communication lays the foundation for a solid and lasting marriage.

It's exhausting to argue in circles and equally exhausting to fall into mutual silence because you lack confidence in your communication skills. 

Skilled communication is intentional. It takes practice, patience, and repetition. The practice is worth the outcome of deeper intimacy and connection, as well as better conflict resolution.

Here are 10 skills that will transform your marriage from poor to better communication. You won't even recognize yourselves!

Active Listening

The old saying goes, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." It's attributed to a Greek philosopher named Epictetus; you don't care about that, I know.

What matters is that active listening establishes a foundation for effective communication. What is active listening, you ask? It's focusing on your partner's words, experience, and emotions. That's a lot, right?

It is. That's why it's active. Maintaining eye contact demonstrates, "I'm listening." They have your full attention. You're creating an uninterrupted space for your partner to express themselves. 

Active listening is the umbrella. Reflective listening is one of the best ways to practice it. It's being able to summarize, in your own words, what your spouse said about their experience and feelings. 

For example, "So what I'm hearing is you felt dismissed when I didn't respond."

Non-verbal Communication

Body language, facial expressions, how loud you are, and tone of voice all matter more than you may realize. You may feel you're just a passionate person, and how it comes out doesn't matter as much as what's being said. But body language also speaks, and it can cause miscommunication in marriage.

Your facial expressions may be closer to the truth than the words you're using. Saying, "I'm okay with skipping date night to hang out with your family," while crossing your arms and turning away, communicates two different messages. Your words say, "Yes, I'm okay with it." Your non-verbals say that you're hiding your true feelings about it.

Pay attention to non-verbals to make sure they align with your words. This awareness creates an environment that cuts back on misunderstandings. When your words and non-verbals match, your partner doesn't have to guess what's true.

Empathy

"Empathy has no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message, "You're not alone." - Brene Brown.

Developing empathy creates a supportive environment that ensures both partners will feel heard and understood. It doesn't mean you agree. It means you're willing to understand.

Expressing Feelings

Identifying your feelings is the first step in expressing them. Expressing feelings builds a bridge for your partner to enter your inner world.

Emotional intimacy grows when you both feel safe enough to share what's really going on inside. Using "I" statements to express your emotions will encourage your partner to do the same because they won't feel blamed or criticized.

For example, "I felt hurt when you walked away, because I needed reassurance."

Sometimes, one partner is hesitant to open up. And if one of you shuts down when emotions come up, it makes sense. It's a common protection strategy.

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. Conflict resolution, on the other hand, isn't. Here are a few quick tips for fighting fair and resolving conflicts with your spouse:

One topic - Discuss one specific incident or event. Try not to bring in other complaints.

Acknowledge what's true - Find one part you can agree with, even if you don't agree with everything

Take Responsibility - Acknowledge how you contributed to the conflict or argument.

Name what you'll do differently - "I'm hearing how much this upsets you. I'll pay more attention to it and do it this way moving forward." 

Respectful Communication 

It sets the tone for a healthy exchange and a healthy marriage. Criticizing your partner shuts down any hope of effectively expressing your feelings or hearing your partner's.

Respectful communication doesn't mean it's void of visible emotion. Raising your voice doesn't necessarily mean disrespect unless you're using derogatory language aimed at your partner.

Respect isn't about being calm all the time. It's about speaking with kindness even when you're upset. It means avoiding insults, demeaning your partner, yelling at them, lashing out, or using harsh words. Your primary focus is on resolving the issue rather than escalating it. 

Timing

Are you hungry? Are you tired from a 12-hour shift? Have the kids' activities drained your energy? Are you feeling overwhelmed after meeting with your boss? Did your client decline a big purchase you were confident would go through?

Not to sound like an infomercial, but if you answered yes to those questions, it will be challenging to discuss sensitive topics.

Choose a specific and agreed-upon time to talk. This allows you both to mentally, emotionally, and physically prepare for the conversation, creating an environment favorable to productive, meaningful conversations.

For example, "I want to talk about this, but I need an hour to reset. Can we talk at 7?

Honesty

Hard conversations can make you feel uncomfortable, but they build safety. Safety helps you to be honest about your thoughts, feelings, and needs, and encourages your partner to do the same. 

Active Engagement

Ask clarifying questions, a few follow-up questions, sit facing them, and be aware of your body language. This shows that you're genuinely interested and have their full attention. It also helps you to understand them better before assuming the worst.

Regular Check-ins

Life gets busy. Regular check-ins help ensure minor concerns don't turn into significant conflicts. Setting aside time to talk about the relationship, acknowledge its strengths, assess areas that need improvement, and address unresolved issues is necessary for a strong marriage.

Some couples call this a weekly marriage check-in or relationship meeting. It's simple, but it works.

For example:

"What felt good this week?"

"What felt hard?"

"What do we need next week?"

Final Thought on Necessary Communication Skills

Working on your relationship can feel overwhelming at times. But it's a lifelong journey. Some days, you will be better at it than others.

In his book What Makes Love Last, John Gottman says, "Well-timed repairs are part of the dance between two people who know and trust each other."

You can learn these skills without the pressure of feeling you need to communicate perfectly.

If you want support in practicing these skills together, couples therapy provides structure, tools, and a safe place to reset.

Also, I created a simple weekly check-in you can start using right away: The 10-Minute Relationship Check-In Worksheet (free PDF)