Listening with Empathy: How to Listen to Your Partner Without Giving Advice

One essential quality of a healthy marriage is friendship. And one of the simplest ways friendship shows is listening to each other with understanding, not advice.

When your relationship feels emotionally safe, you can be honest about what hurts, what's hard, and what you don't yet have figured out. In those types of conversations, the goal isn't always a solution. Often, the goal is connection.

One key skill that protects that kind of friendship is empathic listening, without rushing to give advice.

I get it! When the person you care about is hurting, it's hard to "do nothing." Advice is often our way of saying, "I don't want you to feel alone in this."

What is Empathic Listening?

Empathic listening means focusing on understanding your partner's experience and letting them talk things out without jumping in to fix it.

Understandably, you want to make it better. You want to lift the weight off their shoulders and see them laugh and smile again.

Your intentions are good. The question you have to ask yourself is, what kind of support are they actually asking for? Do they want your advice?

When you jump into solutions, you stop listening. And that can unintentionally disconnect your partner when they need you the most.

Try these instead:

• "That makes sense. I can see why that hit you so hard."

• "Do you want to vent, or do you want help brainstorming?"

• "What part of this feels the heaviest right now?"

• "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

• "Tell me more, I want to understand."

Avoid jumping to:

• "Well, why didn't you just..."

• "Here's what you need to do..."

• "That's not a big deal."

• "At least..."

You're trying to fix it, but you don't have to. Release yourself from the responsibility of making it better in that moment. When you do, you're also trusting their ability to work through it.

Listening without advice isn't abandonment. Let them ask, "What should I do?" on their terms. They may not ask, and that's okay. You can still say, "If you want to talk through options later, we can."

If your partner is angry, hurt, sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, or just feeling blah, they may just need to cry in your arms.

Allow them the space to have whatever they need. A complaint is often a request for understanding, not an invitation for advice. Sometimes you don't need the right words.

"I'm here. I'm listening." is an example of simply being present.

A Thoughtful Response (What to Say Instead of Fixing)

An immediate response is often reactive rather than thoughtful. You may feel compelled to offer an "obvious" solution. You may wonder how not saying anything is helpful. But sometimes it is.

Many times, attentive silence helps more than it harms. It says, "I'm taking this seriously," and "I'm here with you."

A quick response can make the moment more about you than your partner. Is your pride on the line if you don't give advice? Will you feel more valued if they take your suggestion? Are you ready to end the conversation or move on to the next topic?

It's worth considering, are you trying to support them or relieve your own discomfort?

How Body Language Affects Connection

Empathic listening also shows up in your body language. If your eyes keep drifting to your phone, or your arms are crossed, your partner may feel like they're bothering you, even if that's not what you mean.

Being a good listener goes hand in hand with being aware of your body language. Try soft eye contact, which means just looking at your partner in a calm, gentle way.

Face them, put your phone face down, lean in slightly. A relaxed posture and occasional nod help them feel safe to keep talking, and that you're following along.

Listening with Empathy Builds Emotional Safety

You don't have to rescue your partner from every uncomfortable emotion or situation. Solutions can come later. First, listen with empathy. That's how emotional intimacy grows.

Empathic listening doesn't mean you never give advice. It means you don't lead with it. Lead with trying to understand. Lead with presence. Then, if your partner asks, brainstorm together.