The Harmful Impact of Anger on Your Relationship (and How to Express it Better)

We all experience anger. And if you're feeling ashamed of it lately, you're not alone. Whether it's in fights or emotional distance, anger can leave both of you feeling wounded afterward.

Understanding what's behind the anger helps with expressing it better. Anger, left unchecked, is an overpowering presence that will sit over your relationship like a storm cloud. You both see the dark clouds. You feel the wind picking up and know the storm is coming. It's only a matter of time before the shouting match or cold silence.

How Anger Hurts Communication and Trust

Anger in relationships is expressed in different ways. It's not a one-size-fits-all emotion—no emotion is. It can show up as cold silence or as yelling. One partner can cry silently on the couch, and the other storms off and slams the door. Both expressions are intense, and both create barriers to closeness.

When you're angry, you tend to only focus on your hurt, your pain, or how you've been wronged. Gaining clarity takes the backseat. Rational thought wanders off. When you're angry, teamwork becomes really hard, even if you both want it.

Anger has a way of turning normal conflict into words you can't take back. Angry words leave you both feeling emotionally exhausted and bruised from their impact.

Blame and accusations show up fast, and once they're in the room, it's hard to stay curious.

Anger Isn't the Enemy

Anger is an important emotion. A necessary one. It can act as an internal alarm system that activates when you're being wronged, treated unfairly, or when something's off.

It heightens your awareness when boundaries are violated or when your partner's behaviors don't align with the values you hold. It tells you, "Something here matters to me."

The feeling of anger is an opportunity to look inward - "What is really bothering me about this situation?"

Anger can be a signal that something needs to be addressed. Your internal alarm system is saying, "Pay attention." But most of us learned that anger is bad or wrong, so we either swallow it or unleash it.

How often have you heard parents tell their kids, "Don't be mad." How many times have you said it? Have you asked your partner, "What are you so upset about? It's not a big deal." In other words, anger = wrong. Anger is often labeled "wrong," but what's underneath it is worth listening to.

Anger doesn't travel alone. It covers up hidden feelings like loneliness, embarrassment, or shame. When you slow down enough to grab your flashlight and walk through the storm of anger, other emotions may come to light.

You may recognize it's an understandable response to fear, sadness, abandonment, and so on.

How to Express Anger Without Pushing Your Partner Away

Expressing anger without considering its consequences creates barriers.  When it comes out through criticism, sarcasm, name-calling, blaming, or harsh tone, it pushes your partner away and makes repair harder.

And yet, you must express your anger. But how? Suppressing it tends to backfire. It's also not helpful to express it without reflection. Feeling angry is normal. Hurting your partner with it isn't.

So when I talk about expressing your anger, I really mean what your anger is responding to. It's helpful to go through an internal questioning process to do that.

I want you to ask: What is my anger hiding? Is it feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness, fear, isolation, or feeling unloved?

Asking these questions shifts the focus back to you. Why is that important? You're taking time to process anger in a healthy, helpful way, and your partner doesn't take the hit for what you haven't had time to sort through yet."

Once you've gone through that internal questioning process, how do you express it to your partner? Try this:

Say what you felt: I felt embarrassed / dismissed / hurt.

Say what you needed: I needed support / assurance / patience.

Say what you're asking for now: Can we talk about it? or Can you do ____ differently next time?

That's how you turn anger into a conversation instead of conflict.

Reminder

As a reminder, to feel anger is not wrong. It's a natural response to feeling wronged, misunderstood, dismissed, or shamed. Feel it, then take time to investigate it.

Expressing anger in a healthier way takes practice. The next time you get angry, pause and consider why. When we skip this step, we often lose what we're hoping for: to be heard.

Once you have a sense of your underlying feeling(s), invite your partner into a conversation about it. For example, you could lead with, "You know, yesterday I was embarrassed when you corrected me in front of your family."

Disclaimer: One important note here. You are not obligated (as a partner or spouse) to accept or be okay with any form of abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, or otherwise). The emotion of anger is acceptable—the destructive or abusive behavior it can drive is not.