The Harmful Impact of Anger on Your Relationship (and How to Express it Better)

We all experience anger. Some express it aggressively, others brew silently and in isolation, and some passive-aggressively verbalize it.

Understanding what's behind the anger helps with expressing it better. Anger, left unchecked, is an overpowering presence that will sit over your relationship like a storm cloud. You both see the dark clouds. You feel the wind picking up and know the storm is coming. It's only a matter of time before the shouting match or cold silence.

How Anger Damages Relationships

Anger in relationships is expressed in different ways. It's not a one-size-fits-all emotion—no emotion is. It can show up as cold silence or as yelling. One partner can cry silently on the couch, and the other storms off and slams the door. Both expressions are intense, and both create barriers to closeness.

When you're angry, you tend to only focus on your hurt, your pain, or how you've been wronged. Gaining clarity takes the backseat. Rational thought wanders off. Collaboration? Not a chance!

You and your partner say things that are intentionally unkind. Angry words leave you both feeling emotionally exhausted and bruised from their impact.

Blame and accusations make their all too familiar appearances, leaving you no space to sort out what the conflict is really about.

Yet, Anger Is Important

Anger is an important emotion—a necessary one. It can act as an internal alarm system that activates when you're being wronged or treated unfairly or if something's off.

It turns on your awareness when boundaries are being violated or when your partner's behaviors don't align with the values you hold. It reminds oneself, "I expect more from this relationship."

It's informative. It's an opportunity to look inward - "What is really bothering me about this situation?"

Anger encourages you to speak up, attempt to rectify problems by taking action, and work towards a desirable solution. It's an uncomfortable emotion because, generally, it's considered an emotion that you should not have.

How often have you heard parents tell their kids, "Don't be mad." How many times have you said it? Have you asked your partner, "What are you so upset about? It's not a big deal." In other words, anger = wrong.

Anger is often viewed as inappropriate, whether from within or from your partner. How you express anger should, rightfully, be called into question, but what's behind the anger is worth tuning in to.

Anger doesn't travel alone. It covers up hidden feelings like loneliness, embarrassment, or shame. When you slow down enough to grab your flashlight and walk through the "darkness" of anger, other emotions may come to light. It's an understandable response to fear, sadness, abandonment, and so on.

Expressing Anger in a Healthy Way

Expressing anger without considering its consequences builds barriers to resolving arguments because it alienates your partner. Hurting your partner with disrespectful words, name-calling, criticisms, and blaming chips away at trust and safety.

And yet, you must express your anger. But how? It's not helpful to suppress it. It's also not helpful to express it without thinking.

So when I talk about "expressing your anger," I really want to express what your anger is responding to. It's helpful to go through an internal questioning process to do that.

I want you to ask: What is my anger hiding? Is it feelings of shame, embarrassment, sadness, fear, isolation, or unloved?

Asking these questions shifts the focus off your partner and back to you. Why is that important? You're taking time to process anger in a healthy, helpful way, and your partner doesn't end up being the punching bag for your unprocessed anger.

Reminder

As a reminder, to feel anger is not wrong. It's a natural response to feeling wronged, misunderstood, dismissed, or shamed. Feel it, then take time to investigate it.

Expressing anger in a healthier way takes practice. The next time you get angry, pause and consider why. Skipping this step guarantees sabotaging your goal of being heard, creating emotional distance, and damaging relational closeness.

Once you have a sense of your underlying feeling(s), invite your partner into a conversation about it—"You know, yesterday I was really embarrassed when you made that joke about my weight in front of our friends." Your partner is more likely to hear you.

Disclaimer: I want to be sure this is clear. You are not obligated (as a partner or spouse) to accept or be okay with any form of abuse (emotional, verbal, physical, or otherwise). The emotion of anger is acceptable—the destructive or abusive behavior influenced by it is not.