Listening with Understanding and Empathy Helps Resist the Urge to Give Advice

One essential quality of a healthy marriage is friendship. Offering advice, apologizing when hurt, committing to honesty, and listening to understand are flavors of a valuable friendship.

Genuine friendships create space for being open with each other. And in a marriage, highlighted with friendship, it's one of the foundations of emotional intimacy.

In healthy marriages, partners risk opening up about embarrassing moments, feeling let down, being overwhelmed with life, or admitting when they've fallen short.

Life gets messy and unfair, and having your partner as a friend is comforting during those times.

One of the attributes of friendship in marriage is listening with understanding and empathy - without giving advice. It takes practice to listen for understanding rather than listening to respond.

Empathic Listening

Empathic listening is listening for understanding and resisting the urge to give advice.

You don't want to see your partner hurting. If they're in a job they hate or having problems with a family member, you want to help them. It's your way of showing them you care.

Understandably, you want them to feel better. You want them to smile, laugh, and not be so bogged down by the stress of those types of situations.

I get it!

You intend to help them feel better—great! But do you know what they want from you? Do they want your advice? Have they asked for your encouragement? Responding with, "Why don't you just try this…" blocks your listening ability.

You're trying to fix it, but you don't have to. Release yourself from the weight of that responsibility. Not only are you releasing yourself from the weight of it, but you're also believing in their competency to figure it out.

Listening only to listen doesn't mean you're abandoning them in their distress. Let them ask, "What should I do?" on their terms. They may not ask, and that's okay. Let them know you will brainstorm with them when they're ready.

If your partner is angry, hurt, sad, exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, or just feeling blah, they may need to cry in your arms, let loose and vent, or for you to be mad with them...

"Yeah, I would've hung up on them too if I were you. They were being rude!"

Allow them the space to have whatever they need. And if you don't know what that is, ask - "What do you need from me right now?" or "Would you like to hear my thoughts?" - and honor their response. Your partner's complaint is not an invitation for advice or your opinion. It's your opportunity to listen for understanding.

Listening with understanding and empathy is being with them in their distress.

A Thoughtful Response

An immediate response is reactive rather than thoughtful. You may feel compelled to offer an obvious solution. You may wonder how not offering anything is helpful. Yet, it is.

Many times, attentive silence helps more than it harms. It silently considers the gravity of your partner's situation and shows them you understand how difficult that situation must be for them.

A quick response makes it more about you than your partner. Is your pride on the line if you don't give advice? Will you feel more valued if they heed your advice? Are you ready to end the conversation or move on to the next topic?

It's worth considering—are you more invested in your advice or your[self] than in simply being present?

Body Language

Listening to listen also shows up in your body language. Is your disinterest being expressed non-verbally? Are you avoiding eye contact? Are your arms crossed, indicating you're closed off to what they're saying? Your facial expressions may be indicating annoyance or not wanting to be bothered.

Being a good listener goes hand in hand with being aware of your body language.

Listening with Empathy

Do you know what it's like to feel sadness, anger, overwhelm, confusion, and all of those other heavy emotions? Connect with the feeling of knowing those feelings.

It's not your responsibility to rescue your partner from every uncomfortable emotion. Your good intentions may be sending the message that feeling or expressing emotions is not okay.

Try asking questions about their feelings, looking into their eyes, and holding their hand. Connecting with how they feel is more important than finding a solution. What they need most is your presence and attention.

Hold your advice for a separate conversation.

When your partner feels your patience for their emotions, you empower them to tap into the competence they already have to figure it out. Brainstorming the problem and finding a solution is a different conversation. Trust that your partner will seek your advice. Until then, work on listening and being supportive as they need you to be.