Overcome Arguing in Relationships and Learn How to Resolve Conflicts Better

When couples argue constantly, there's a noticeable decline in relationship satisfaction. After the yelling and harsh words, most couples are relieved it's over. They'd instead move on, walk away, and hope it doesn't happen again.

Constant fighting means couples don't have time to slow down and reflect. They're too busy licking their wounds.

Arguing isn't only about dinner, kids, a messy house, going over budget, or lack of quality time. Many times, it's about safety, unexpressed needs, and relationship security.

What am I saying? Arguments are an opportunity. You can learn important information about the relationship and your partner.

The Conversation that Needs to Happen

Your relationship satisfaction depends on how you respond in those discouraging moments. The goal is to improve your ability to quickly repair the argument's damage.

Think of it as a recovery conversation in which you're in a more emotionally regulated state. You can show interest in your partner's point of view, care about how they feel, and trust them with your feelings.

I hear the pushback: "We'll get into another argument." That's fair enough. But let's talk about how these conversations can be helpful.

Recover From Arguments in Relationships

Recovering from an argument takes practice. The more you do it in a structured, intentional way, the easier it becomes. When I say easier, I'm saying you get better at re-engaging in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming.

The recovery process recognizes that arguments are inevitable in relationships. The goal is to learn how to recover from them effectively. Fighting is normal in a relationship; you don't need to get rid of it completely.

Clinical Psychologist Daniel Wile says: "Individuals who view conflict as indicating that they have a 'bad' marriage will be demoralized by its presence and will be unable to deal with it effectively."

Anger often results from suppressing what needs to be said. Complaints are usually magnified when they come out because of the intense emotions attached.

Suppressing your complaints happen because of three common reasons:

1. A track record of your partner getting defensive

2. Your partner immediately offers solutions or

3. Your need for confidence in expressing your feelings without getting upset.

These can leave you vulnerable to feeling your partner isn't listening, understanding, or caring.

Arguing is often your opportunity to say things you've wanted to say for a while. It would help if you could fully express what's at the core of your frustrations.

Here are two ways the recovery conversation can be helpful.

Complain Better

Being able to articulate your position clearly strengthens your argument. What you say loses effectiveness when mired in accusations and attacks. Expressing anger without being hurtful is the primary goal.

For example, what if you believe your partner has acted like a jerk? Criticizing them by calling them a jerk isn't helpful. But if I tell you: "Don't call them a jerk," you can't fully express your feelings. So, you end up suppressing it, only for it to come out later by - you guessed it! - calling them a jerk is the thing you were trying to avoid.

But what if you say something like: "It almost feels like you would treat a stranger on the street better than you treat me? I can take someone I don't know being a jerk, but I would expect you to treat me better than that."

This may offer you the satisfaction of expressing your complaint fully without sabotaging your core message, which is that you value being treated with thoughtfulness and kindness.

A Second Chance

When arguing, attacking and defending take precedence because of the adversarial state you're both in.

The recovery conversation is an opportunity to discuss the emotions underlying your disappointments. For example, your complaint may be, "We never spend time together." But what is not being said is about your feelings of isolation, how that scares you, and what it means to you when you think about the relationship.

The second time around allows both of you to say, with more depth and consideration, the underlying feelings that were showing up.

You also get a second chance to listen with the intent of understanding. Questions like:

• Do you really feel that way, or was that comment expressed out of anger?

• Can you tell me more about why that bothers you?

• Why is that important to you?

• How do I need to respond so you know I'm hearing you?

Often, arguments indicate couples not allowing each other to express their disappointments fully. Arguments are inevitable. What's important is creating the necessary space to recover from them in a way that goes beyond "I'm sorry."

Building the relationship muscle of recovering from arguments opens the door to having conversations about household tasks, quality time, parenting, or - insert a common theme here. Why? Because you're more willing to consider their point of view.