10 Necessary Communication Skills for a Stronger Marriage

Communication in marriage is the #1 reason couples tell me they're coming in for counseling. For good reason, it's a cornerstone of successful relationships and marriages. Prioritizing open, honest, and empathetic communication lays the foundation for a solid and lasting marriage.

It's exhausting to argue in circles and equally exhausting to fall into mutual silence because you lack confidence in your communication skills. 

Skilled communication is intentional. It takes practice, more practice, and a little more practice. The practice is worth the outcome of deeper intimacy and connection and better conflict resolution.

Here are 10 skills that will transform your marriage from poor to excellent communication. You won't even recognize yourselves!

Active Listening

The old saying goes, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." It's attributed to a Greek philosopher named Epictetus; you don't care about that. I don't either.

What matters is active listening establishes a foundation for effective communication. What is active listening, you ask? It's focusing on your partner's words, experience, and emotions. That's a lot, right?

It is. That's why it's "active." Maintaining eye contact demonstrates, "I'm listening." They have your full attention. You're creating an uninterrupted space for your partner to express themselves. 

I like to call it reflective listening because when you're actively listening, you can summarize - in your own words - what the other person said to describe their experience and feelings. 

Non-verbal Communication

Eye contact, body language, facial expressions, volume, and tone of voice play a momentous role in communication. Am I being dramatic using the word momentous? Maybe. But I hear you saying, "It's not that serious."

Your facial expressions may be closer to the truth than the words you're using. Saying, "I'm okay with skipping date night to hang out with your family," while crossing your arms and turning away, communicates two opposing messages. Your words say, "Yes, I'm okay with it." Your nonverbals communicate that you're hiding your true feelings.

Pay attention to non-verbals to make sure they align with your words. This awareness creates an environment that cuts back on misunderstandings.

Empathy

"Empathy has no script. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It's simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message, "You're not alone." - Brene Brown.

Developing empathy creates a supportive environment that ensures both partners will feel heard and understood.

Expressing Feelings

Identifying your feelings is the first step in expressing them. Expressing feelings builds a bridge for your partner to enter your inner world, and this applies to both positive and negative emotions.

Emotional intimacy is influenced by partner sharing their vulnerabilities, fears, worries, goals, and dreams. Using "I" statements to express your emotions will encourage your partner to do the same because they won't feel blamed or criticized.

Sometimes, one partner is cautious about opening up. Understanding emotional withdrawal will help you know how to respond to it. 

Conflict Resolution

Conflict is inevitable in marriage. Conflict resolution, on the other hand, isn't. Constructive conflict resolution is a lifeline for your relationship. Here are a few quick tips:

One topic - Discuss one specific incident or event. Try not to bring in other complaints.

Acknowledge what's true - Acknowledge what is true in what your partner is saying, rather than only listening to what you disagree with.

Take Responsibility - Acknowledge how you contributed to the conflict or argument.

Make a commitment - "I'm hearing how much this upsets you. I'll pay more attention to this moving forward." 

Respectful Communication 

It sets the tone for a healthy exchange and a healthy marriage. Speaking to your partner with criticism and contempt shuts down any hope of effectively expressing your feelings and hearing your partner's.

Respectful communication doesn't mean it's void of visible emotion. Raising your voice doesn't necessarily mean disrespect unless you're using derogatory language toward your partner.

Speaking with kindness doesn't mean speaking softly and without emotion. It means abstaining from insults, demeaning your partner, yelling at them, lashing out, or using harsh words. Your primary focus is to resolve the issue rather than escalate it. 

Timing

Are you hungry? Are you tired from a 12-hour shift? Have the kids' activities drained your energy? Are you feeling defeated by a meeting with your boss? Did your client decline a big purchase you were confident would go through?

Not to sound like an infomercial, but if you answered yes to those questions, you should not discuss sensitive topics. 

Choosing a specific and agreed-upon time to talk is critical. This allows you both to prepare mentally, emotionally, and physically for the conversation, creating an environment favorable for productive and meaningful conversations.

Honesty

Hard conversations come with feeling uncomfortable. Being honest about your thoughts, feelings, and needs encourages your partner to do the same. 

Active Engagement

Make eye contact, ask clarifying and open-ended questions, sit turned toward them, and be aware of your body language to communicate that you're attentive to what's being said. This shows that you're genuinely interested and have their full attention.

Regular Check-ins

Life gets busy. Regular check-ins help ensure minor concerns don't turn into significant conflicts. Setting aside time to talk about the relationship, acknowledge its strengths, assess areas that need improvement, and address unresolved issues is necessary for a strong marriage.

Final Thought on Necessary Communication Skills

Working on your relationship can feel overwhelming at times. But it's a lifelong journey. Some days, you will be better at it than others. In his book What Makes Love Last, John Gottman says, "Well-timed repairs are part of the dance between two people who know and trust each other."

Sharpening your communication skills requires effort and a willingness to learn and grow together.